Dec 8, 2006

Yes, I work for FedEx. Can you tell?

Perhaps the most striking memory I have of meeting Glenn Beck is that of "fatness". As the owner of the highly coveted domain name of, I owe a debt of gratitude to a person that for some reason seems to have similar recurring topics as mine, finding their way into everyday conversation. 

A sampling of those words and phrases would probably include such gems as: donuts, baked goods, soft couches, sandwiches, ho ho's, lard, bacon, cheese cake, ice cream... basically anything lending itself to excessive enjoyment but yet having the potential of fulfulling ones physical enormity that everyone has inside themselves. Fearing the day when a friend embraces you and utters those sobering words: "For the love of God man, put the sandwich down... "

I was shocked to discover that (as was so brilliantly pointed out in the movie Tommy Boy), television does add a couple of extra... hundred.. pounds. Glenn was not fat at all. In fact, he seemed thin. He appeared milky-white and soft - all over (I'm just being honest).

He was also very nice, a little bit too nice. It made me wonder if I should be scared - I took notice of the fact that my mind actually asked myself  - "Is he gay"? 

Glenn jokes about how he despises exercise, loves ice cream, and fantasizes about dying due to "natural" causes. Sounds to me like that would be self inflicted natural causes, but nonetheless that sure is one heck of a philosophy, quite a mouthful actually.

But let me tell you, once I shook his hand, there was that question popping into my head again - "Is he gay"? His hand was as soft as a freshly baked muffin. I was reminded of the scene in the movie Trading Places where Jamie Lee Curtis examines Dan Akroyd's hands and concludes that he has "Never done a hard days work in his life".

First and foremost, Glenn is one funny dude. He extracts a guffaw from me nearly every day (no, guffawing has nothing to do with obesity or cheese, look it up if you need to). He is an inspiration to me in many ways. It was a thrill to finally meet him even though it was only for a few short moments, but I will never forget it (now who sounds gay?!).

Aside from that, I think he is in the right place at the right time, doing what he was born to do - if he was mistakenly born back in the days of Cave Men he would probably have been the dude sent off into the wilderness to find help (with the town knowing full well he was being sent directly towards the tar pits just outside the city limits).


Possible PHOTO Captions:

  • Hey Mr. FedEx - Is that a scanner in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
  • Do the buckles on my shoes make me look fat?
  • OK I agreed to this stupid photo, now where's the cheese cake?
  • Let's see how hard we can hug the FedEx guy without him hitting me.

Have a caption for my photo with Glenn Beck? Send it to me. If it is a good one I'll post it here. If it stinks, I might post it. If it is putrid, ehhh...